I used to blog a little years ago. But never really about things that were really personal to me. I am actually only sharing this now because God has weighed heavily on my heart to do so. I have been in much prayer and even now I hesitate. However, my heart wishes to be obedient to the God who has been so good to me.
Not too long ago, I was driving into town. I was listening to the radio and enjoying the bright, sunny day. There was a vehicle in front of me and another one following behind me. I drove on in between the two for several miles without noticing much about either of the two. As I continued on I realized that the vehicle in front of me was actually a hearse. I really do not care for the sight of these particular vehicles for obvious reasons along with several personal ones. However, I continued driving behind it and looked in my rearview just to check behind me. The car that was behind me was actually much closer than it had been earlier and I was able to see it well. It was a police car, but not just any police car, one of “those” police cars, from his department. I took a deep breath (I see these all the time and most of the time I just look away). But I actually thought to myself “Seriously, am I really driving down the road between these two?”. I tried to just focus on the road and think about something else, because truthfully, I don’t really like thinking about what happened. It was really such a nice day, just the right amount of blue sky and puffy clouds. The farther I drove the more I began to think about another sunny day. Except this day was hot and miserable.
On that day I was riding along behind a hearse. There was a procession of police cars escorting that hearse, though, with lights flashing. I couldn’t stop crying that day, as much as I tried. I began to think about the moment he died, the day we buried him, the 21 gun salute, and the Chief walking over and handing me a perfectly folded triangular American flag. I began to think about the uncertainty of what would lie ahead and if I would be able to ever feel okay about any of it. I remembered all of that like it was yesterday, except for one thing. It didn’t hurt like it was yesterday. It didn’t hurt the way I was afraid it would always hurt that day.
As I drove that day behind that hearse many years later, I realized that other than the few, tiny tears forming in my eyes and the lump in my throat. I was actually…okay. I couldn’t remember the last time I thought in detail about that day but I felt as if this was a perfect moment to once again glorify God for bringing me to this place. The truth is we are better than okay. I have watched and felt God do a miraculous work in my life since that sad day full of loss. He has carried me many steps and walked with me as well. I remember not long after that funeral telling Him I didn’t want to be sad and I didn’t see how I could do it on my own. I remember His still small voice within my spirit whisper “No, you can’t, but we can.” The fact that I am happy and peaceful says absolutely nothing about me. But it speaks volumes about the grandeur of the God I serve. I am able to overcome trials because He overcame the world. I can dwell in peace, joy, and hope because He is peace, joy, and hope. I enjoy a blessed life full of love, happiness, and a grateful heart because He is restoration. He is love. I can accept loss because with Jesus nothing is ever truly lost.
I realized as I drove on along and the hearse turned off onto another road that God was indeed winking at me that day. He was showing me yet again that as we journey through life sometimes those we love take another road. We don’t follow them and we don’t always like that their part in the journey leads them down another path. Especially when the path is one from which they don’t return. But He is enough to make things better than okay. He is enough. He is life. He understands that we will hurt, but He sees the value in hurting, even when we cannot. We never know what life will bring, but He does. He has written our story from beginning to end. He knows. He sees. He comforts. I am so thankful that He never leaves me and He will never leave you.
I am reminded often that God has a handle on everything that concerns His children. He will remind me gently whenever I get worried or stressed about something that seems big and even things that aren’t so big. His eye is on the sparrow.
No matter what we should never fret about anything because He is ____________. Just fill in the blank with whatever your heart needs.
Love in Christ, Cassie